Trying to deny the pain...

I never knew that time will come to realize that life is not that simple. When I was young, I can't wait for the moment to grow up and explore new things. I always dream that one day, I can wear those nice skirts, high heel shoes, nice bags, make up etc. Until finally, growing up was so soon that I never thought that it will be so fast and found for myself that... I did not enjoy every step of the way. All I did is to rush, rush and rush, as if it was the last trip of a train. When I look back, I realized that I should have done this, and I should have not done that. And right now all I wish is to turn back the hands of time, and try to be who I really wanted to be. I guess, there were lot of things, good things that I really missed out. I struggle to become adult, to become a woman. Marriage just came when I thought it just have to happen. I was not so sure, but I knew that it should come on the date when it happened. I never had a second thought because I was 29 then. So all the while I thought, this is it. This must happen. Under some circumstances which I never put a doubt on my decision. Some silly times come and certain thoughts are just coming in, just in an instant. Sometimes it's hard to pretend that everything is okay, that everything is in place while the truth is.... it is not. As the old saying goes, life has to go on...and you have to move on. Well, I guess, I'm just too tired to deny the pain. There are lot of things running in my head, all questions that I cannot answer, or shall I say I refuse to answer. Why, simply because I'm on the stage of denial.

Soon... maybe soon.