What if...

It's been more than 3 years now, every year I wanted to skip the month of August...

It was August 2006 when I packed my things and left to work overseas, to earn more money, to give my family a good life. I was unsure if I can do good, but what I am sure of, is that I will do whatever it takes, not to fail in this battle.

My sister is still in school then, my Dad has an illness and my Mom, for some reasons, earns and lose money at the same time. I just have enough then, to cover up the expenses until come next pay day. Whenever I want to buy something for myself, I had to think more than 10 times, just nod and keep the money for the next week of Dad's medicines. Back then, I worked full time Office Employee and at the same time I have small canteen underneath my desk.... yes! I am making sandwiches early in the morning before going for work, i packed it nicely and sell it from 8 -10 pesos each. I have some biscuits, chocolates, 3 in 1 coffee and snacks on my drawer and during break time I have my patrons coming to my desk to buy. This has been my "side line" for the past years just to earn some more cents. But still it's not enough.....

Dad's heart ailment has gotten worse... he's getting admitted due to major attacks, and his insurance as my dependent, has reached the maximum limit, which means, if the next attack comes... it would be a great disaster... and I don't want him to die, I must do something. I told my self, "you can do it, and you have to". One night I spoke to my boyfriend, that time and said, I will leave... next 2 weeks.. He did not say anything but I left him the thought that, yes I am leaving you. Since he knew how important my role in this he consider as his future family was, the least he can ask me then is if I am still coming back for him... It breaks my heart as if my whole world stops from moving, I cannot hear anything but the thousand heartbeats within me as if it's going to explode right there and then... the answer to his question is... I don't know! The only thing that I am sure, is that I love him... and that may not be the enought answer he wants to hear...

I reached home and saw my Dad waiting for me, I just embraced him and told him, that I am leaving. He laughed and said you just came! And when I started to tell him, the smile turns to frown... yes Dad, I am leaving soon.... I can sense the guilty feeling my Dad had, but I told him, this will not be for long... I just need to earn some more for my sisters' education, once she's thru, then I'll be home again....Time flies, good and bad but I survived the first year that I am away...

Exactly 1 year, August 2007, finally, I'll be home for my vacation.... I told Dad, 1 more year and I'll never leave again... during my 10 days stay, my Dad always wanted to be with me wherever I go... but since just came from the hospital, I did not want him to come in most of my errands. I just spent times with him whenever I am free, and we just went to places nearby as he is not allowed to travel that far. Yes we spent times together, chat about life overseas, funny stories and future plans. He gave me his blessing, when I told him that I am getting married soon... 10 days have passed and again, the airport scene is here once again... saying goodbye was never been easy... but I never thought that would be the last for my Dad.... yes, he passed away, 1oth day after I left him...

What if I stayed, would it change anything???

Trying to deny the pain...

I never knew that time will come to realize that life is not that simple. When I was young, I can't wait for the moment to grow up and explore new things. I always dream that one day, I can wear those nice skirts, high heel shoes, nice bags, make up etc. Until finally, growing up was so soon that I never thought that it will be so fast and found for myself that... I did not enjoy every step of the way. All I did is to rush, rush and rush, as if it was the last trip of a train. When I look back, I realized that I should have done this, and I should have not done that. And right now all I wish is to turn back the hands of time, and try to be who I really wanted to be. I guess, there were lot of things, good things that I really missed out. I struggle to become adult, to become a woman. Marriage just came when I thought it just have to happen. I was not so sure, but I knew that it should come on the date when it happened. I never had a second thought because I was 29 then. So all the while I thought, this is it. This must happen. Under some circumstances which I never put a doubt on my decision. Some silly times come and certain thoughts are just coming in, just in an instant. Sometimes it's hard to pretend that everything is okay, that everything is in place while the truth is.... it is not. As the old saying goes, life has to go on...and you have to move on. Well, I guess, I'm just too tired to deny the pain. There are lot of things running in my head, all questions that I cannot answer, or shall I say I refuse to answer. Why, simply because I'm on the stage of denial.

Soon... maybe soon.

I want my life back!!!

I came across my boiling point... wanting to get out of the world I'm into now... My heart shouts aloud!!! I want my life back!!! how can I turn back the hands of time? 9 years back? Can I? What if I laid back and made myself into thinking before I moved ahead... 9 years back? Where should I be? Am I going somewhere else aside from the place I'm into now?

Life, I did not take it lightly... If I had... I may not be in pain and worries... If I only listened, I could have done other options and made some good moves... and be on top of the situations, now. But I can never step back, I can only revert and alter but overall, it will not make any big difference. It will still be the same, painful and dark future...

One step forward, will make sudden move but not a great one... but better than being stucked. I can no longer win back my past, but I can make a difference for myself, maybe not now, but let's see tomorrow.

What to do?

Another day... Where is the perfect place to hibernate? I wish I could find one here... A few more days to wait and finally, FINALLY, this boredome will be gone... Can I make the countdown now?

At this very moment, I am missing my bebey... Even he likes to do things I really don't like, shall I say, I am getting used to it. Sometimes, we are making fun of those things coz he knows that I will just laugh at it. Shall I say, I don't have any choice or I made it my choice now? Shall I say, maturity has come? or Better to say, we are getting adjusted? Dapat lang siguro... 9 years it not as if we are only counting the days and years of our lives, we learned to treasure every single moment that we are together, whether it is good or bad... we now understand that it goes hand in hand.

Last night we had an argument on which church shall we go for our wedding. It's been few months and until now, he can't decide. And I felt that we are really running out of time (ganun kaarte dapat) hahaha... when will be the grand event? January 2008! Hahaha!!! But kidding aside, we have lots of preparation to make and it is only me who is doing the detailed task, man what to expect from them when wedding preparation is the topic. So what to do now? He wants me to make the wedding invitation and so we need to buy for the printer, so to follow; he wants to have the souvenir made from Singapore so as to have the Singapore touch (ano kaya? CHOPSTICS NA LANG! Wahhhh), so to follow; Entourage, eto malufet, "Yung anak ni ano, sino nga ba yun?" Hahahaha... Principal Sponsor, hmmm incomplete; to follow; Secondary Sponsors and others, checked; Church, Malate or UST, so to follow; Gowns etc, I already have a prospect, so checked?; Caterer and Venue, ahuh... I already have the prospect, so to follow?; What else? OMG ang dami pa! Wahhhhhh!!!!!! Okay, and so I need to impose! What to do??? I hate to cram but this guy takes thing lightly... Man, why you guys are like that? Hmmmpppp!!!

Wheew.... Last Day

Oh my... shall I say, at long last? I really don't know, mixed emotions... This place was a good working place before... but those people who made it good had all been gone... some are still here, and I will definitely miss them... not so easy to say my last words...but everything will come to its end, in time...

Dear friends, we'll still keep in touch, no matter how far will I go... you are always with me...promise!

Thanks for the joyous moment...i really enjoyed being with you... I will no longer mention your names, coz u all knew who you guys are..

Mwahhh!!!!!!!!!

What a day....

Tagal ng oras!!! Promise!... I really don't know why am I experiencing this kind of boredome... This is not easy at all, it's a type of disease that has no cure... the type of disease that will come and you won't even know when it will be gone... this is the time when I want to travel alone. Where? Yun ang mahirap.. I used to go to places na sa Pinas lang matatagpuan...so it's really impossible to do it now since I'm away from home. This is the time when I always wanted to contemplate and ask myself.. what's wrong with you? and this is the best time I would want to sleep the whole day...and after waking up, call my best buddy beki, to have some iced tea or frappuccino and talk about things that only best buddies would comprehend... As the night is still young, still we'll hang out and talk on so many things, which will lead us to fun chatting and to end it with a great relief. Sadly... she's miles a way from me... so what to do now? I guess, I need to find ways to conquer this feeling and stay missing my home, my secret place and my best buddy... I guess i just need to go to the gym later... get tired of the workout, take a cool and nice shower, drink my iced milo and sleep...and pray that tomorrow... boredome will be over...